I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.