Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
You Might Also Like
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.