Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
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Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
🤣😈🤣
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Worst Native American name ever.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit