In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling