Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.