A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer