Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.