“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.