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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
@funTweeters I am at your service….
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.