If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.