[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The old gods are rising again.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?