A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
‘I know a black person’
– White people
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.