My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
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7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.