I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
You Might Also Like
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*