*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.