Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
You Might Also Like
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
The days of good grammer has went
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: