Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
honestly, i need both:
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.