I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Kids: Stay in school.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.