JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it