Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!