Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Just a bush.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!