Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.