Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
You Might Also Like
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES