wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
inventing words: clothing
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly