I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
New tinder profile pic
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him