2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
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Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.