bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*