I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???