Tastes like chicken.
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.