I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
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Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.