sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Huge, if true.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.