I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face