horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”