Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
lost dog
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
More like Kate Missington.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms