My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Worst perfume name ever.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”