HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
You are what you delete.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.