Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.