CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them