Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
You Might Also Like
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.