does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
lmao
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*