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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.