[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school