Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
You Might Also Like
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I think I’m having a stroke
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.