Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.