*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
A short story of betrayal:
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*