Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
You Might Also Like
i spent way too long on this
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away