The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn