If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Pass gas, not judgment.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*