What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me