My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
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I’m putting together a team
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.